Из книги «Желтое и красное»

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Когда мне было 29, я потерял память. От переутомления. Я занимался вовсю наукой, строил лабораторию, работал днями и ночами. Дома у меня был маленький ребенок, жена, и я метался как заяц, стараясь все успеть. Доигрался. По медицине полагалось отдохнуть, но я не мог себе позволить: наука удалялась, мне надо было догонять ее. Каждый день. И я вечерами писал себе на бумажке все, что нужно сделать завтра, это я твердо знал. К утру оставался ни с чем, такие были провалы. Но у меня в кармане бумажка, и там буквально по минутам все дела расписаны…
И, конечно, я забыл стихи, которые читал раньше. Я до шестнадцати лет многое прочитал, а потом наука стала главной любовью…
Так я жил почти два года, потом память начала понемногу возвращаться. Мне почти всегда в жизни везло, выкручивался — оттого, что быстро бежал, вперед и вперед, и не оглядывался на ямы, из которых выкарабкивался. Не успевал ни подумать, ни испугаться. Память у меня раньше была исключительной, а когда вернулась, стала обычной – неплохой. Пробовал снова читать прозу, стихи… И вспомнил стихи молодого Бродского. Я жил в Ленинграде, когда его судили. Сотрудники лаборатории, в которой я работал, бегали к дверям суда, болели за поэта. Их в зал не пускали. Я не ходил. Тогда я считал, что он, как все поэты, бездельник. Нужно наукой заниматься, вот стоящее дело!.. Но я сочувствовал ему, потому что с детства ненавидел советскую власть и коммунистов. Многое можно рассказать из послевоенного детства. О страхе, который нашу жизнь пропитывал. Я, ребенок, чувствовал кожей – страшно и холодно жить… Отца в 1949-ом выгнали с работы, он умер от инфаркта… Долгая история, не хочется возвращаться.
Так вот, я сочувствовал этому парню, поэту без руля и без ветрил, Иосифу, и читал его ранние стихи. Но на суд пройти не пытался, заранее знал, не пустят. И что его осудят. Смотреть на это не хотел. А ребята, с которыми работал, надеялись, они многого не знали, из того, что я знал с младенческих лет.
Возвращаюсь к тому времени, когда начал вспоминать. Почти все стихи забылись, а одно стихотворение Бродского вспомнил – сам, не искал, не читал.
«Ни страны, ни погоста не хочу выбирать…»
Звук пробился сквозь годы и потерянную память.
И что я потом ни читал у Бродского, мне не нравилось так. Трагедия его жизни, мне кажется, в том, что, уехав, он получил поддержку одному своему началу, которое в нем дремало, когда он был молодым. Рассужденчество его, даже очень умное, привело к гибели поэта. Сначала усталость в голосе, потом равнодушие… Это, конечно, только мое мнение, непросвещенного человека, надеюсь, понимаете. Потом… я не мог понять, как человек, написавший «ни страны ни погоста», мог умереть в другом месте. Наивно, конечно, но я всегда старался, чтобы не было стыдно перед своими героями. Быть не хуже их! Оказалось безумно сложно, потому что в искусстве обычно разворачивается лучшее, что есть в нас. Мы не всегда дотягиваем до того уровня, трудно за это осуждать. Но понять не мог!.. Честно говоря, и сейчас не могу. Пасую перед своим Костей Зайцевым, хотя почти моя жизнь. Но это «почти» отделяет меня от написанного прочной стеной. Необходимая защита… чтобы не резать себе вены, как он, жить дальше…

Автор: DM

Дан Маркович родился 9 октября 1940 года в Таллине. По первой специальности — биохимик, энзимолог. С середины 70-х годов - художник, автор нескольких сот картин, множества рисунков. Около 20 персональных выставок живописи, графики и фотонатюрмортов. Активно работает в Интернете, создатель (в 1997 г.) литературно-художественного альманаха “Перископ” . Писать прозу начал в 80-е годы. Автор четырех сборников коротких рассказов, эссе, миниатюр (“Здравствуй, муха!”, 1991; “Мамзер”, 1994; “Махнуть хвостом!”, 2008; “Кукисы”, 2010), 11 повестей (“ЛЧК”, “Перебежчик”, “Ант”, “Паоло и Рем”, “Остров”, “Жасмин”, “Белый карлик”, “Предчувствие беды”, “Последний дом”, “Следы у моря”, “Немо”), романа “Vis vitalis”, автобиографического исследования “Монолог о пути”. Лауреат нескольких литературных конкурсов, номинант "Русского Букера 2007". Печатался в журналах "Новый мир", “Нева”, “Крещатик”, “Наша улица” и других. ...................................................................................... .......................................................................................................................................... Dan Markovich was born on the 9th of October 1940, in Tallinn. For many years his occupation was research in biochemistry, the enzyme studies. Since the middle of the 1970ies he turned to painting, and by now is the author of several hundreds of paintings, and a great number of drawings. He had about 20 solo exhibitions, displaying his paintings, drawings, and photo still-lifes. He is an active web-user, and in 1997 started his “Literature and Arts Almanac Periscope”. In the 1980ies he began to write. He has four books of short stories, essays and miniature sketches (“Hello, Fly!” 1991; “Mamzer” 1994; “By the Sweep of the Tail!” 2008; “The Cookies Book” 2010), he wrote eleven short novels (“LBC”, “The Turncoat”, “Ant”, “Paolo and Rem”, “White Dwarf”, “The Island”, “Jasmine”, “The Last Home”, “Footprints on the Seashore”, “Nemo”), one novel “Vis Vitalis”, and an autobiographical study “The Monologue”. He won several literary awards. Some of his works were published by literary magazines “Novy Mir”, “Neva”, “Kreshchatyk”, “Our Street”, and others.

Из книги «Желтое и красное»: 117 комментариев

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  7. Chi…I hear you loud and clear, though nothing you are telling me I haven’t heard before. If you really want to know my apple buys and sells (I won’t put # of shares in since I’m not JJ) I’ll collect them for you…4/10/08 154.44 B6/19/08 178.23 B12/4/08 92.93 B (Ballsy move here)5/13/10 264.53 B2/10/11 359.48 B12/7/11 390.19 S4/20/12 573.12 B10/26/12 606.40 B

  8. we must have a budget, but the White House thinks budgets are when Ben B prints out more money , some day it will have to be paid and they just keep making it worse, he had his chance and not one thing has helped according to his own promises, move on get new idea’s and at least try to vote for a budget, you have to eat more than chicken all the time and now it wlil be eating crow all the time, with out a change of menu.

  11. Dude, you can post Iron Maiden tunes any time you want. IM made some awesome songs.Oh and thanks for the linkage. I am always flattered when you link to my stuff. You rule Matt.

  14. Are yall seriously focusing on race? This could of been any color man or woman the color has nothing to do with the fact that this man did too much of whatever he was using and became a flesh eating super human that cops had to shoot 6 times, let’s talk about where all the refugees from the zombie attacks will meet up like taking control of a Wal-Mart and holding it down until we all eventually eat each others faces off. Mass chaos and free reign to destroy and conquer ensues

  15. Kim:You can expect about 80-90 point drop. I had two short sales one in Jan 2007 other in August 2007. My mid score was around 690/700 and mid dropped to low 580. Currently mid at 680. Hope this helps. BUT, DURING SHORT NEGOTIATIONS EVERYTHING EXCEPT MORTGAGE WAS PAID ON-TIME.

  18. Take a high-res photograph of a window (with a nice view), and have a large print made of it. Frame it, and hang it on the wall. Turn off all fluorescent lighting in the office, and use a couple of lamps – get some plants too. It’s amazing how your work environment can affect your work, and your mental health – make sure to take occasional breaks to stretch and walk around.

  22. Hello Andy. I’m happy when someone can relate for any reason. My intention is to wax broadly beyond dystonia. My world didn’t flip crazily overnight like many people but I’ve had other health issues arise out of nowhere later in life that certainly have rocked my world. Chronic illness is quite the bothersome traveling companion. Don’t we all wish we could leave it at home!

  23. Go to the FCC’s website. A news organization cannot have any political background or agenda. I think all media outlets need to be slapped around a bit because they all have agendas. No one however makes it more blatantly obvious than Fox. Technically their license can be snatched from them for various infractions. I am one who does not mind the conservative view because I am intelligent enough to know BOTH parties are to blame.

  27. Just what kind of “EVANGELICAL” theologian WAS this? Idiot. Fool. Apostate!However, it has been clear to me for a very long time that all labels, terms, words, are corrupted by those wishing to ‘stealth’ their own agenda of lies. It HAS been very successful. However, I never feel sorry for those duped by such men.Excellent article. Thanks, David!

  31. Bonjour,J’ai vu chez Studio Bliss un anonce d’une méditation la sémaine prochaine chez vous, est-ce que vous pourriez me donner plus d’information s’il vous plait?Merci

  35. I can relate to so many of these point except that I am not out spoken. I am under spoken! :PAlso, you are being harsh on yourself.We ought to keep a check on our selves, but not everything can be measured. You are good as you are and people like you the way you are! 🙂

  36. That is fine with me… I mean there should be some benifit besides having flocks of hot ladies around and threeday weekends in bora bora if your rich and privileged right?

  39. WILSON / O premio Nobel é e sempre será tendencioso pois ele está mais para políticagem do que as causas pelo qual foi criado ! Tem muito prestígio mas deixou de ser confiável !Gostei deste comentário ou não: 33

  40. I agree that the audio doesn't enhance the material — perhaps for first time readers — you can't improve on perfect. But as someone who has read Cerebus "front, back and sideways", I'm actually looking forward to the audio. Dave has that spectacular "DJ" voice. I do agree, though, that if it's taxing his time and he's not enjoying the process, it wouldn't be a great loss for the project for him to concentrate his efforts in other areas.

  42. Die Impressumspflicht halte ich für eine der wenigen Sinnvollen Regulierungen im Web. Wer etwas zu sagen hat, sollte sich auch nicht dafür schämen, sich dafür zu outen. Bei Facebook & Co. siehts da nicht anders aus.

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  44. tus comentarios tienen algo de siertoosolo algose podria decir ke puede yevar un complementoo mejor dicho in diferente punto de vista a consecuencia del pensar de kada unoesta padree suertee!

  47. Why is the 1911 site design / button on the videos not available worldwide / outside the US? Everybody is confused now, Americans talk about the button, others ask where the button is, and Americans reply that these others must be stupid not to see it.Doesn't even work when the language/location prefernces are set to US-English and worldwide.That's not fair!

  48. Calma Marcelo. Ninguém disse que viriam. O André foi citado porque pediu ao seu empresário para que o ajudasse a voltar. Quem falou do L.Fabiano fui eu, mas não disse que o Corinthians vai contratá-lo. Disse que pelo meu gosto, ele seria o 9 do Corinthians. É bem diferente do que vc disse.

  49. — The first look ones? Sweetest ever. Totally teared up looking at them. I love how tough he looks and there is clearly that softness to him with the tears. A beautiful couple- she is stunning!

  50. I don’t know how you do it Cindy, but you made even this look easy. I am so grateful, I shall get my torch out straight away and try it out! Thanks for all the tips and advice, you are the best!

  51. What I wouldnt give to have a debate with you about this. You just say so many things that arrive from nowhere that Im pretty certain Id have a fair shot. Your weblog is good visually, I mean people wont be bored. But others who can see past the videos and the layout wont be so impressed with your generic understanding of this subject.

  54. that she would accept whatever G-d decided for her. If that meant that carrying a pregnancy would kill her, so be it, that was G-d’s plan. I have much more respect for that stance, even if I can’t even fathom believing something like that, than I do for the hypocrites who only praise G-d when things go their way.I will hold my tongue on the rest of it, except to say that wishing that a DBM remain childless is about the least Christian thing I’ve ever heard.

  55. There's a bank in downtown Pittsburgh that has had one of these for at least the last three years. I don't bank there but I've always wondered what would happen if I tried to go in with my normal EDC concealed firearm? No law in PA prohibiting you from carrying in a bank and signs don't count as legal notice…

  56. Anything really as long as its cold:) I’m off to buy vodka so I can try your creme de menthe recipe. I have 3-4 different types of mint, growing mainly as ground covers. I think there is a fresh, untrammpled, healthy patch of spearmint growing by the shed.

  57. -NÃO É ÀTOA QUE ELES ESTÃO VENDENDO A ALMA PRO DIABO, PRA NÃO SAIR DO PODER, ELES TEEM MUITO O QUE ESCONDER,…SÓ QUE O DIABO NÃO É BOBO, DE QUE QURER COMPRAR O QUE JÁ É SEU,…..

  59. Sal Codruta, ma tenteaza enorm retele tale cu faina de secara, as vrea sa le incerc. Ma gandeam sa pornesc de la maiaua mea obisnuita si sa fac si de secara, crezi ca e ok? Sau tb sa incep una noua de secara? Crezi ca-i ajunge o saptamana pentru transformare?Raspunde cand poti, nu-i graba, deocamdata ma concentrez pe retele tale cu multa faina integrala si seminte, sunt in cercetari. 🙂

  61. May24 Hi, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam responses? If so how do you stop it, any plugin or anything you can suggest? I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any assistance is very much appreciated.

  62. Cindy, that’s why I asked. I haven’t had a puppy since maybe 1979. My brother brought over a Scotty puppy last week for us to “try out.” Apparently it will keep the ferals away, if we train it for yard patrol. It’s already working, amazingly enough, but we’re not going to keep the puppy. Our prissy indoor cats are traumatized.The dog got into some mud trenches yesterday after the rains, so today I put it in the tub before it goes home to my brother. Now, it’s still shaking an hour later. Maybe I used water that was too cold. I think I’ll turn the air off.

  63. vous en parlait dans le post 2009 Annnée Dangereuse ? Aimez c’est Défendre ? | Business Commando Pour boucler, rebondir sur ce sujet je vous conseille ç nouveau  la serie

  66. Hey are using WordPress for the website platform? Iam new to the blog globe however. Iam hoping to get started out and set up my personal. I additionally heard about Drupal is okay. Will see my own alternative…. Educational post, many thanks.

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  68. smooth tahini (sesame paste) – which I’d never had in a cookie. There was also a bag of Sahlab Cookies, made from powdered orchid root, which were equally divine, as well as a few other

  70. Bush is boxing Congress in on the issue. Neither side of the aisle wants to deal with this tough issue. He made some initial proposals and they rather visibly were pushed aside. So now he’s reminding the public that the problem isn’t going away, and that both parties need to step up to deal with it.

  71. Parli sempre di privacy di FB e ormai non è una novità. Ha vinto tutti i Big Brothers Award, ormai è un dato certo.Perchè non parli invece della CENSURA che applica FB sui contenuti, in particolar modo sulle pagine pubbliche, sul suo term of use molto discutibile e sull'inappellabilità di queste regole, sulla non possibile riattivazione di account spariti nel nulla e simili. Te ne sarei molto grato, nessuno ne parla.

  72. heehee! Our fifth kept on giving himself nicknames…”Call me Silver, Dad!” is how it began on a beach in Florida. He went from Silver, to Chad, to Chongy to Jonny. He lost a lot of phone calls that would come in. “Hi – may I speak to Chad?” sorry wrong number…!

  74. Todo dulzura y calidez ,los cuartos infantiles son el refugio de los pequeños ,su campo de juegos y fantasías …y lo cierto es que viendo estas decoraciones ,me pregunto qué niño no se puede sentir protagonista de un cuento…preciosas imágenes Cecilia.Un abrazo enorme ,feliz jueves soleado.

  75. Hola Andy y CAYE: muy buena la foto jjajaja ,, espero ir mañana tengo ropa q aca en casa no usamos mas y bueno,,se q ustedes van hacer llegar a buen destino sin intermediarios y sepan eso q esta muy ingenioso,, mañana chicos van hacer un papel muy importante es por eso q desde mi humilde comentario les deseo mucha mas suerte ,, un abrazo y espero verlos mañana,, chauuuuuuuu. NELSON de TAPIALES.

  76. Great list! I’ve done some and still have some to do (which is about right, I think!). I’d add: go on an African safari and go to Patagonia (the two most amazing trips I’ve been on so far!) and start a garden You’ve definitely got me thinking though!

  80. Agreed Bill, while modern chemistry has improved the quality of life for a great number of people I am worried though that we have already passed the tipping point to where the abuse outnumbers the benefits.

  83. Фільм російської федерації “Чінгісхан” за вашою логікою, мали фільм Росіянам показати 90 відсотків не державною мовою а монгольською.

  84. William,It seems I may have come across as contentious. Like most other good people here, I am seeking the truth. I learn a lot from the wise discussions at cw. I respect your opinions. Can you tell me the title of the original House bill from which Obamatax was spawn?

  86. I am an Iranian. I think Indian girls are the most beautiful and olevly girls in the world. I use every opportunity to collect their pictures because they give me this message that still we can find beauty in the world. thanks

  88. 3 years ago, After cruising for 8 years I hit a rough patch and just needed a “nest” a familiar place to rest, to regroup, to rebuild. Moving back home with my parents was that refugee for me. With so much going on it was the one thing that felt certain. no harm no shame in that. We do what we gotta do to get thru.

  89. hello there, i just discovered your blog and its too good to be true.. maybe you already know this, but there are some Fludd illustrations featured in the Harry Smith Anthology of American Folk Music box set. greetings and happy new year from Shaun in Oslo.

  90. SavviMaple on 2011å¹´11月30æ—¥ at 02:53Nice!The Freedom’s wing on the RG opens up further with the Black piece disconnecting from the blue piece as Syd had shown, I take that Syd don’t like that? Waiting for a sale of RG Freedom hurhurGundam Age, me like it so far, a break from all the serious tones and what not. Got to watch something fun to relax. Looking forward to see what the contest is.

  91. your still on the ole tribes in never never land who never heard of anything, no technology whatsoever…If they never heard of Elvis, than they never heard of anything music wise..so lets put it like that..and again, if you’ve never heard music at all, like these tribes you speak of than they have no ideal who any entertainer is…You watch to much national geographic, really…my condolences to you.. ..

  92. I sing in a choir Guy’s not bad, but pretty stupid for screwing her. She’s pretty and all, but come on..She’s a slut that works for a dollar store..No telling what she might have. y is it ppl watch porn and judge it?? i dont see your lame ass on film!!so shut the fuck up

  94. Gatsby, você é um idiota da subjetividade !Quero SIM uma prova, filme um espirito, ectoplasma em video “non-stop” “aparecendo e desaparecendo”. Me mostra isso seu mentiroso ! MOSTRE UMA PROVA IRREFUTÁVEL ( e não venha com baboseiras de que sew vc quizer não tem que provar nada e tal ) E não venha com videos já vistos pela net afora. FAÇA UM NOVO afinal incorporações e materializações são coisas corriqueiras que vcs espiritas veem toda hora. DUVIDO que vc prove para nós alguma coisa.

  95. I thank God I have found the web site I have been searching for, for more than 30 years……I am turning 63 and thank you I thought I was going mad! I've been in this amazing country for 8 years and cant believe whats going on. Much appreciation and continued safe success!!

  96. Dégoûté là! LEs matchs Federer-Nadal me font penser à ce film ou un journaliste américain envoyé en reportage dans une ville des States revit chaque matin la même journée. Et, cher Marc, entre une momie arrosée à la paella et un coton-tige serbe je n'hésite pas une seconde, je prends immédiatement le coton-tige, et j'espère qu'il mettra une nouvelle branlée mémorable à Nadal. Allez Nole.

  97. , they are a great way to pack in so many veggies in one serving. I would never eat the amount of veggies I do if it wasn't for all the stuff I can cram into one drink. Keeping your dad in my thoughts!

  99. Despite the fact I’m glad things eventually turned out as they did, the soldiers didn’t over react. They fired into an aggressive mob that had sticks and paving stones, at the least.It’s not like they shot an unarmed woman in the head while she held her baby, or anything…

  101. Is there any individual less suitable to pretend to be our Commander in Chief? Smoke and mirrors for 2 1/2 years and a MSM that breaks their backs and turns on their own kind to cover up the truth and spread the lies. America on the brink of destruction! Who will save us now? WE WILL — NOVEMBER 2ND! Hide and watch, the New Revolution is taking over! The winds of truth and the hammers of Justice will blow away the smoke of lies and breakup the mirrors of illusion. America will again save it's self. old1

  102. Não sei se em Março as coisas mudam . sei que nós somos fiéis e de graça ,os artistas ganham uma vergonha de dinheiro e nada fazem…não sabem marcar penaltis. não sabem onde é a baliza se recebessem ordenado consoante a produtividade a coisa mudava de figura…enfim…estou verde de raiva…MAS…SORRIO SEMPRE…beijos

  103. Pergunta-se mais uma vez ao anónimo:- Qual "anexação"?Era giro começar a ver ideias, em vez de frases feitas. É que em seguida surge a resposta às frases feitas e depois apenas o silêncio do anónimo. É o que dá fazer copy-paste. Quando não se faz ideia do que se está a falar, dá nisto.

  104. Ah you have been to paradise. The photo’s are absolute fantastic. The one with the cubs is wonderful as is the one from the inuit girl.Amazing to see that some of the childrens games are international. We made eiffel towers with these strings. She probably made an iglo.Recently heard something about these bears who are drowning because ice was melting. There is a lot of changes going on.

  105. Ah, I forgot to watch the video! Thanks for posting it. And the whole barbarian thing isn’t homoertoic; there are actually females like me who like seeing oiled up six-packs on men with long hair wearing barely any clothes. Furry boots is a major plus too. We wimminz love the barely clad guys and request more! For guys, sex appeal is everywhere. Time for a change.

  106. The PC line is that genes affect only physical traits, not mental traits. Eye color, height, skin color, yes — but intelligence, aggression, memory, no.This line is tantamount to saying evolution stops at the neck (as someone once pointed out).The brain is the locus of personality and will, so expect the greatest conceivable resistance to hard science going there (as against soft sciences like behavioral psychology).

  108. Quelle chance de rencontrer ces chef-d’œuvres de Vermeer !Je les avais déjà vu pour la plupart lors de la grande expo Vermeer de 1996 à La Haye. J’ai d’ailleurs conté cette visite en 4 épisodes début 2008.La magie de l’art… Il est exact que même si on ne connaît rien du peintre, la qualité unique de cette peinture surprend, puis interroge, et enfin séduit totalement.Dans « La jeune femme à l’aiguière », le peintre est à son zénith. Harmonie… sérénité… poésie… Dans un espace clos, avec une jeune femme et quelques objets, l’artiste recrée l’ordre de la nature.

  111. I ALWAYS read the comments because often the recipe people are rating highly has LITTLE to do with the original. It's what makes taking ratings hard at face value because so many people use the recipe as a jumping off point. Even though it would make things more complicated, I wish recipe sites would have people tag whether they made it as written or made with tweaks that way you could look side by side. But maybe that's just me. Regardless, the idea of peanut butter bread is sounding fantastic to me rihgt now.

  114. Память имеет тысячи путей, и слова не главные из них. Собака находит по запаху. Но бывает, что запах подталкивает и нашу память к событиям, который мы вроде бы «забыли».

  115. У меня нет специальных приемов. Видимо, моя память устала со времен анатомички, ведь нас заставляли учить по латыни все бугорки костей, и очень многое еще. Это была настоящая муштра. Потом я помнил тысячи ссылок в аспирантуре, и знал, что в каждой статье. Потом мне все это отыгралось.
    Таня, могу дать только несколько советов. Во-первых, никакого волнения, память нам мало нужна, не помните — и не надо. Не напрягайтесь, постарайтесь заменять слова и так далее. Проанализируйте, что и на какой глубине от текущего момента забываете. Надо записывать! Ничего страшного. Запишете десять раз — понемногу запомните. Часто не запоминается то, что противно запоминать, тут уж никаких усилий прилагать не надо 🙂
    И еще, что-то особое возникает, когда человек с потерянной памятью (частично, конечно), начинает писать. Ему приходится описывать вещи и события так, чтоб их узнали, и это не всегда плохо.

  116. А у меня тоже память как-то избирательно накрылась.. Забыла название улицы и номер квартиры родителей в Питере. А они здесь уже 3-й год живут, и я довольно часто езжу. Ноги все равно пришли.:)

  117. Доброе утро.
    Посоветуете, как восстановить память, если это не секрет? Спасибо.

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